To Know Them

“To Know Them” is a deeply personal piece. Many thanks to the team at The Humber Literary Review for publishing this poem that is very close to my heart. Please be advised that this writing comes with a content warning, as there is mention of drugs and overdose.

To Know Them

I.

In high school my best friend had
an older brother.
His name was _____ and he died
after she and I stopped being friends
(we drifted apart. You know
how it is).
When I heard _____ passed
away, on his couch
at 31
lips blue, gauzy white foam escaping
his mouth
(I know this
because they said in the newspaper)
I felt sick.

I pictured _____ back then
head shaved
eyelashes long
under a hooded gaze
teenage body tall and soft and draped in oversized cotton
kind to me, but sad, always sad.
Eyes sad. Shoulders sad.

When I saw my old friend
at a bar
a few months later
I told her over
the blaring music
that I was sorry to hear about _____.
She said, it’s okay
(but I don’t
believe her).

II.

My co-worker’s boyfriend
died this year.
He’d been laying there for hours
when she found him
(it happened
sometime in the night).

I’d served ______ a burger and a beer
once or twice
but I didn’t know him.
I knew her.
She didn’t know he was using.
He was 32.

III.

_____ was my mom’s cousin.
I liked him even though his presence
was alarming.
Not because he was loud or unusual or bold
(although he was all of those things)
but because he always needed a wash. And a haircut.
Wore torn shoes.
Was missing
a finger.

____ died alone
in a motel room
in another province
a couple years ago.
He was old but not old
enough to die.
56 isn’t old enough to die.

____ left behind our family
and a son with FASD
whose mom is also dead, but

when we talk about _____
we try to laugh because
____ has a legacy so full
of good stories
because he was funny.
And dodgy. And fearless. And loved.

IV.

This week
my partner’s nephew, ____
died. The two of them were close
in age and grew up
like brothers.

The drugs stopped his heart at 33
he would have been 34
at the end
of the month).

Everyone thought ____ was getting better –
his whole family
it’s a big family)
and his friends.

My partner is angry
and sad
and I am sad for
everyone.

V.

When my niece’s mother died
her mom was 35.
My niece was 16.
It was 2018.

____ had a tall frame that was found early
in the morning
n the kitchen floor.
She spent four days in a coma
before they said, “you have to
let her go.”

____ loved art and her daughter
but didn’t know how
to do it anymore.

The machines made her look
like she was breathing
ven though she had left
a long time ago. No matter

that we expected death to arrive
in this form
to take her.

Real life is different.

Seeing _____ laying still
you could finally grasp her youth
her olive skin
her open sores
her chipped
nail paint.